Love or Self-Love: What Do We Choose When No One Is Watching?
- Lidija Poth
- Nov 25
- 3 min read
The Run Before Dawn
This morning, November 25, 2025, I ran through the dark streets while the city was still asleep.
My footsteps echoed, my breath burned, and one sentence kept repeating with every stride:
Why do we women so often choose love for others over love for ourselves — no matter the country, the culture, the century?
The Global Truth
It is not a Dutch problem.
It is not a Western problem.
It is a woman problem — worldwide.
From the moment we are little girls we are praised for putting others first.
Be helpful. Be quiet. Be good.
Self comes last, if at all.
The consequence is devastating:
a chronic shortage of self-compassion and self-love.
We become experts at loving others and beginners at loving ourselves.
A Client’s Story
She met him.
He was charming, distant, emotionally unavailable.
She fell hard.
She rearranged her days, softened her boundaries, analysed his silences, forgave his disappearances, planned perfect moments, sent thoughtful messages — everything.
Months of broken sleep.
In the end he simply walked away.
She never once doubted what was happening between them.
She only doubted herself.
I asked her the question I now ask every woman in this place:
What were you trying to prove?
That you were lovable?
That you were enough if you just tried harder?
That love is something you have to earn with exhaustion?
The Literature Speaks
Kristin Neff, the world’s leading researcher on self-compassion, writes:
“Women are socialised to derive their sense of worth from caring for others. When self-care feels selfish, we abandon ourselves first.”
Esther Perel sharpens the blade:
“Many women choose partners who confirm their deepest fear: that they are not lovable as they are. The emotionally unavailable man becomes the perfect stage to re-enact the old wound.”
And bell hooks, in All About Love, says it plainly:
“When we give love without receiving it, we are participating in our own oppression.”
Why Don’t We See the Signs?
Because seeing them would force us to stop giving.
Because noticing his withdrawal would mean admitting we are choosing someone who cannot meet us.
Because protecting our self-worth feels riskier than chasing his crumbs.
We miss the red flags the same way we skip meals when we’re “too busy” caring for everyone else —
it has become normal.
How Can We Love Another When We Have Forgotten Ourselves?
We can’t.
We can only perform love.
We can only purchase love with our peace.
We can only beg love with our sleep.
Real love — mutual, nourishing, free — begins the moment we stop abandoning ourselves.
A New Way Forward
1. Ask the question daily:
If I truly loved myself, would I accept this treatment?
2. Say the sentence out loud:
“I am choosing someone who is not choosing me.”
Speaking it breaks the spell.
3. Redirect the energy you were pouring into him — back into you.
One full night of sleep. One honest boundary. One moment of choosing yourself.
4. Remember Kristin Neff:
“Self-compassion is not selfish. It is the prerequisite for genuine love.”
Your Turn
Where in your life are you currently choosing love for others over love for yourself?
What would shift if — just for today — you chose you first?
Comment below or book a FREE Discovery Session | MyLifeCoachingHub.
You deserve the same love you so freely give away!
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